na kuchh poochha
na kuchh maanga
tune dil se diya jo diya
na kuchh bola
na kuchh tola
muskurake diya jo diya
tu hi dhoop
tu hi chhayaa
tu hi apna-paraaya
aur kuchh na jaanu
bas itna hi jaanu
tujhme rabb dikhta hai
yaraa main kya karoon
tujhme rabb dikhta hai
yaraa main kya karoon
sajde sarr jhukkta hai
yaraa main kya karoon
tujhme rabb dikhta hai
yaraa main kya karoon
Wednesday, November 12, 2008
Sunday, November 2, 2008
highs and lows...
it's not my fault.. trust me. it's just that i don't even try to stop the flow of my thoughts, their direction, their intensity.. i just let them come.. and let them be absorbed by my mind.
***********************************************************************************
a tiring day at work. i was called back home very frequently on phone by the elderly ladies at home. when they saw their sweet rosy words weren't pushing me to come back home earlier than usual, the strict daddy was handed over the phone. he, who is as bold yet polite as ever, my father, is very rarely left un-obeyed by his very darling daughter. fortunately (or unfortunately) the work finished before time. i was welcomed home with smiles all over. it made me feel uncomfortable. i tried to guess, but i'm bad at guessing the worst.
radisson hotel. i was waiting there with my parents for the xyz-boy and his family. i was shit tired. and it was an unpleasant feeling. it made me almost puke at the drink being offered to the foreigner who could almost laugh at my unease. anyway, i tried sleeping, and a jerk made me hear pa announcing that they've reached.
i felt even more uncomfortable when he stretched his long arm forward. oh.. it was a hand-shake. his mother made me sit between his sister and him. and pa sat facing me. i just didn't have the... ummm... interest in even looking at him. the entire situation i was in seemed such a turn off. he would go on talking about something and something. he sure was intelligent. but so much so that i could hardly understand a thing he talked of. when he changed the topic and started his questionnaire about me, my replies went so abrupt like, "sorry, honestly, i havne't thought of it yet" or " it doesn't bother me a bit" or " i'm too out of routines to be stuck for a so-called-hobby" ... that i hope i've not embarrassed pa. the sister was a sweet thing. the only soul who intended to make me comfortable there.
in between all this, i felt so lost that i would start looking here and there. a howling baby. a child running here and there, with his mother after him. the ac, chilling the hall to the core. and me. i felt so lonely. wondered if just one pair of warm soothing eyes could make my day. but those deep eyes just didn't appear.
i have nothing against the xyz-boy. but i'm not prepared for all this yet. pa just doesn't understand this.
whatever they thought or discussed or imagined, i was finally told the next morning that it is a "no" from our end. i felt thrilled. and the first thought that gushed in was, " i needn't feel guilty. those eyes will remain deep and soothing."
it took me 36 hours to realize that i should feel sorry for that xyz-boy. but then, probably, he'll get someone better, someone who deserves him.... not me.
i breathed in oxygen.
**********************************************************************************
i slept.
***********************************************************************************
i have not a percent clue, how i have reached my school, with a bong male friend, a bong female classmate. and, those deep, intensely deep eyes. i'm sitting with him, we, the backbenchers, with his warm eyes glued on me. and why is everyone laughing? must have been a witty joke that he must have cracked. but what was it? oh, i don't want to waste time in thinking all that, i'm laughing, because i'm so happy. i don't know how this has happened. i don't know if i am supposed to be here, with him, here in school!! it feels great to be together.
oh, we're suddenly in a school bus, we're travelling. it seems to be some picnic that the school's organised. everyone's clapping, singing songs. and i'm so happy because i'm sitting with him. he, so fondly, is sitting on the window seat. my hand is in his hand. i don't know if it is supposed to be this way, but it's wonderful. i feel like coming closer to him. but i'm not sure if it's right. but when he makes the move, i don't want to hesitate a bit. his arm circles my waist. i feel so protected. i know nothing can go wrong when i'm so safe in my magic world, in my safest home, in his warm arms. i curdle inside and put my arms around his neck. i hear no noise, not a sound.
and suddenly we've reached somewhere. probably, the place where we were suppose to land. it seems to be a cave kind of a thing. or an old house, maybe. there are jute stools on a bunch of hay. and everyone is coming in and going out aimlessly. he, the intelligent one, takes a stool, sits on it, and asks me to take another one, and accompany him. and as if i will not. the others do the same, the interrupting ones. the bongs, the male friend and the female classmate still keep laughing, and somehow i am not minding this madness. probably because i'm way too happy to let anything hamper my contentedness.
i just don't want to go back. i know there's always an end to every journey. but i just don't want to go. this may not be a very fascinating place. the friends accompanying us may not be the best of friends, but this is for sure the best of the times i could be in. those deep, intensely deep eyes, still glued on me, make me feel glued to them as well. i don't mind if it's called a stare, or an even more rude word, i just can't care about all this. this meaningless laughter, this warmth, this closeness.. makes me feel alive, as if blessed with another life, to live, this time.
everyone is moving out of the place, everyone is up from the stools, except both of us. i don't want to go. he looks at me, waiting for me to get up. he realizes that it's time to get up. he's trying to make me realize that it's time to get up. but i look at him very sadly. i can't help it, i really don't want to go. what others aren't realizing is that i may never be able to sit like this with him again. i want him to understand this. i want him to sit like this with me, forever.
everyone has already moved out and left just the two of us alone. he drags my arm and asks me to stand up. i'm left almost crying. how do i tell him,i don't want to go. why doesn't he understand this? he kisses my cheek, gets up from the stool and pulls me up. i'm in my magic world again, in his super welcoming arms. i'm happy. this is my world. my happiness. he knows it. we're moving out together, happy. but we've not yet climbed the bus, everyone's gossipping and laughing, and we're just joining them. no one's going anywhere. we're like this forever. laughing. joking. happy. together.
*********************************************************************************
"...i'll be alright.
i'll be alright..."
and i'm up as the sister highers the volume of the radio to wake me up.
i stretch my body after exiting from my happy magic world.
********************************************************************************
dear god,
will you give me another life to live in my happy magic world? i understand it's not possible in this life. how can i have you to promise me my magic world in my next life? what do i need to do to earn it?
***********************************************************************************
a tiring day at work. i was called back home very frequently on phone by the elderly ladies at home. when they saw their sweet rosy words weren't pushing me to come back home earlier than usual, the strict daddy was handed over the phone. he, who is as bold yet polite as ever, my father, is very rarely left un-obeyed by his very darling daughter. fortunately (or unfortunately) the work finished before time. i was welcomed home with smiles all over. it made me feel uncomfortable. i tried to guess, but i'm bad at guessing the worst.
radisson hotel. i was waiting there with my parents for the xyz-boy and his family. i was shit tired. and it was an unpleasant feeling. it made me almost puke at the drink being offered to the foreigner who could almost laugh at my unease. anyway, i tried sleeping, and a jerk made me hear pa announcing that they've reached.
i felt even more uncomfortable when he stretched his long arm forward. oh.. it was a hand-shake. his mother made me sit between his sister and him. and pa sat facing me. i just didn't have the... ummm... interest in even looking at him. the entire situation i was in seemed such a turn off. he would go on talking about something and something. he sure was intelligent. but so much so that i could hardly understand a thing he talked of. when he changed the topic and started his questionnaire about me, my replies went so abrupt like, "sorry, honestly, i havne't thought of it yet" or " it doesn't bother me a bit" or " i'm too out of routines to be stuck for a so-called-hobby" ... that i hope i've not embarrassed pa. the sister was a sweet thing. the only soul who intended to make me comfortable there.
in between all this, i felt so lost that i would start looking here and there. a howling baby. a child running here and there, with his mother after him. the ac, chilling the hall to the core. and me. i felt so lonely. wondered if just one pair of warm soothing eyes could make my day. but those deep eyes just didn't appear.
i have nothing against the xyz-boy. but i'm not prepared for all this yet. pa just doesn't understand this.
whatever they thought or discussed or imagined, i was finally told the next morning that it is a "no" from our end. i felt thrilled. and the first thought that gushed in was, " i needn't feel guilty. those eyes will remain deep and soothing."
it took me 36 hours to realize that i should feel sorry for that xyz-boy. but then, probably, he'll get someone better, someone who deserves him.... not me.
i breathed in oxygen.
**********************************************************************************
i slept.
***********************************************************************************
i have not a percent clue, how i have reached my school, with a bong male friend, a bong female classmate. and, those deep, intensely deep eyes. i'm sitting with him, we, the backbenchers, with his warm eyes glued on me. and why is everyone laughing? must have been a witty joke that he must have cracked. but what was it? oh, i don't want to waste time in thinking all that, i'm laughing, because i'm so happy. i don't know how this has happened. i don't know if i am supposed to be here, with him, here in school!! it feels great to be together.
oh, we're suddenly in a school bus, we're travelling. it seems to be some picnic that the school's organised. everyone's clapping, singing songs. and i'm so happy because i'm sitting with him. he, so fondly, is sitting on the window seat. my hand is in his hand. i don't know if it is supposed to be this way, but it's wonderful. i feel like coming closer to him. but i'm not sure if it's right. but when he makes the move, i don't want to hesitate a bit. his arm circles my waist. i feel so protected. i know nothing can go wrong when i'm so safe in my magic world, in my safest home, in his warm arms. i curdle inside and put my arms around his neck. i hear no noise, not a sound.
and suddenly we've reached somewhere. probably, the place where we were suppose to land. it seems to be a cave kind of a thing. or an old house, maybe. there are jute stools on a bunch of hay. and everyone is coming in and going out aimlessly. he, the intelligent one, takes a stool, sits on it, and asks me to take another one, and accompany him. and as if i will not. the others do the same, the interrupting ones. the bongs, the male friend and the female classmate still keep laughing, and somehow i am not minding this madness. probably because i'm way too happy to let anything hamper my contentedness.
i just don't want to go back. i know there's always an end to every journey. but i just don't want to go. this may not be a very fascinating place. the friends accompanying us may not be the best of friends, but this is for sure the best of the times i could be in. those deep, intensely deep eyes, still glued on me, make me feel glued to them as well. i don't mind if it's called a stare, or an even more rude word, i just can't care about all this. this meaningless laughter, this warmth, this closeness.. makes me feel alive, as if blessed with another life, to live, this time.
everyone is moving out of the place, everyone is up from the stools, except both of us. i don't want to go. he looks at me, waiting for me to get up. he realizes that it's time to get up. he's trying to make me realize that it's time to get up. but i look at him very sadly. i can't help it, i really don't want to go. what others aren't realizing is that i may never be able to sit like this with him again. i want him to understand this. i want him to sit like this with me, forever.
everyone has already moved out and left just the two of us alone. he drags my arm and asks me to stand up. i'm left almost crying. how do i tell him,i don't want to go. why doesn't he understand this? he kisses my cheek, gets up from the stool and pulls me up. i'm in my magic world again, in his super welcoming arms. i'm happy. this is my world. my happiness. he knows it. we're moving out together, happy. but we've not yet climbed the bus, everyone's gossipping and laughing, and we're just joining them. no one's going anywhere. we're like this forever. laughing. joking. happy. together.
*********************************************************************************
"...i'll be alright.
i'll be alright..."
and i'm up as the sister highers the volume of the radio to wake me up.
i stretch my body after exiting from my happy magic world.
********************************************************************************
dear god,
will you give me another life to live in my happy magic world? i understand it's not possible in this life. how can i have you to promise me my magic world in my next life? what do i need to do to earn it?
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